Article

I Want a Husband
- Mark Parsec ( July 1st, 2007)

I am one of those individuals who by choice, at more than one instance in my life, have belonged to that category of people we label as husbands. I have been a husband on more than one occasion. In any event, I recently had the pleasure of engaging in one of those long conversations with a friend regarding the inequality exhibited by the genders in holy matrimony, specifically, the almost impossible task of finding a "real" husband. Then, after reading an essay by Judy Syfers, I want a Wife, I felt compelled to say a few things from a husband's point of view, because I too want a husband.
I want a husband so I can continue going to school while he supports me. I want a husband who can keep the car maintained and running so that I have dependable transportation. I want a husbamnd to fix my leaky faucets, broken toasters and clogged toilets. I want a husband to take out the trash, mow the lawns and exterminate the ants, spiders and mice.
I want a husband who can look after the children while I go shopping for the food that I like to eat. I want a husband who will discipline the children when they are naughty and allow me to take the credit when they are good. I want a husband who will fix the flat tires on my children's bikes, replace the windows a child breaks, retrieve their toys off of the roof and out of the drains. I would also like a husband who takes me out to dinner once a week, who will send me flowers and cards and open car doors for me. Yet, my husband must treat me like an equal. I want a husband who can come home from a long hard day at work feeling excited, invigorated and passionate. I want a husband who enjoys listening to me share the latest gossip regarding the personal lives of all friends and enemies. I want a husband who will be understanding when I want to talk to my friends on the telephone until late hours of the night when he wants to make love. I want a husband who can perform in bed well, who can understand exactly what it is that I need and want. I want a husband who will be entirely faithful to me, yet who will understand that I need a little romance in my life once in a while when he can't meet my needs. I want a husband who will be tender, gentle and loving yet firm. I want a husband with stamina, who won't leave me unsatisfied, who will go on and on and on and bring me to ecstasy again and again.
I want a husband who will paint the house, clean up after my pets, fend off intruders, and balance the budget. I want a husband who will pull the hair out of my brushes and out of the sink. I want a husband who will deal with the Jehovah's Witnesses when they come to the door again this week.
Most of all I want a husband who will allow me to find myself. A husband who will bring the children fishing so I can be alone. I want a husband who will talk to the bill collectors, crawl under the house to fix the broken thing-a-ma-jig, and barbecue for the family on a hot day.
I want a husband who will be a master mechanic, who will change the car oil, replace the breaks, pull the transmission and rebuild my carburettor. I want a husband who will arrange for alternative transportation for me when he is unable to fix my broken car. I want a husband who will diassemble the waterbed and move it whenever I feel the bedroom needs to be re-arranged. I want a husband who will put together my entertainment centre, iron my clothes and do my laundry when I am at school. But, most of all, I want a husband who will be understanding when I tell him that I don't love him anymore, that I have found somebody new.

A conversation between a British and American talking about British words. Humour and immaturity.

Notes (Language + Gender)

The Deficit Approach

Robin Lakoff (Lack of): Female language is seen as deicient in some way to the established male norm. The use of specialised vocabulary centred around domestic chores.

• Precise colour terms (turquoise, teal, magneta)
• Weak expletive terms (oh dear)
• Empty adjectives (nice, sweet, charming)
• Tag questions (isn't it?, doesn't she?)
• The use of hedges (sort of, you know)
• Intesifiers (so, very)

Socialisation (demographic) played an important role in ensuring that female language remained less assertive and more insecure when compared to that of men and so the differences were more socially constructed than biologically based.

Janet Holmes: Tag questions are used by a speaker with uncertainty, to help discussion or politeness.

Example: Now you fully understand that, don't you?

Debra Tannen: In the media the television programmes promote and show conflice. This is what the viewers want to watch. Men and women are becoming more argumentative. A conversation is based on how you speak (part of psychology). Men may not interrupt a female's conversation to get glory and be the center of attention, but to continue the woman's sentences because he's showing his support, to be included.

The Dominance Approach

Zimmerman & West: Men dominate conversations.

ADD MORE NOTES

The Difference Approach 

Men and women are different, that's just how society has fallen. The genders use language for different reasons. Women use language to make points, solve problems, to bond and form relationships with other people. Whereas men prefer to use language and discussing their emotional problems when wanting to find a solution.

ADD MORE NOTES

Theorists: Jennifer Coats, Jane Pilkington, Koenraad Kuiper (Find more information)

Article

Do Men and Women Speak Different Languages?

By Dr. John Gray, 11th July 2008, Thirdage.com

Many men ask one thing, "Why do women need to talk as much as they do?" For men who have asked this question, the most helpful insight we can offer involves discovering that women communicate for different reasons than men. Women use language, just like men do, to make points and solve problems. However, they also use talking as a way of discovering what they want to say, and sometimes they talk about their feelings in order to sort things out, as a means toward eventually feeling better. At other times, women feel a need to share and express their feelings, simply as a means to get closer, or to experience greater intimacy. This is how women merge with their patrner. Talking is part of sharing -- sharing their feelings and sharing their thoughts without solutions and without being judged.

Men don't instinctively understand these various approaches, because men tend to use language primarily as a way of making points. When men talk about problems, they are generally looking for solutions. A man mistakenly assumes that when a woman talks about her feelings and problems, his role as a listener is to assist her in feeling better by offering her solutions. Like a fireman in an emergency situation, he is impatient to get the fire out as quickly as possible. For him, the quickest way to put the fire out is by giving solutions. His overwhelming desire to help her is exactly what causes a woman to feel like she's not being listened to. It also causes her to feel like she is not important to him. It's an interesting paradox, for if the man didn't care, he wouldn't try to fix things.

Learning to listen patiently -- and not just passively -- is a new skill for men. Yet repeatedly men report that keeping quiet and resisting the strong tendency to interrupt a woman with solutions has dramatically improved their relationships. Their partners are much happier and appreciative. Lucky is the man who discovers that satisfying a woman's need to communicate and be heard is the most imporatant requirement to having a harmonious and loving relationship. When a man is a good listener, a woman can repeatedly find the place in her heart that is capable of loving him and embracing him just the way he is.

Occasionally, men misinterpret the term "active listening." It doesn't mean to ignore her while she talks and talks. It means to listen to her words that lead to her feelings. If he truly understands how a situation makes her feel, he can then express how much he understands those feelings. This enables a woman to feel like she's not alone, and like she truly has a partner who understands her.

For women, patience is the key when communicating. Try not to expect a man to simply listen. Most communication problems between men and women start because we fail to ask for what we want. The best way to encourage a man to give a woman what she needs is to say something like, "Honey, I need you to listen to something for me. I don't need your advice; I just want to share my feelings about this." The benefit of this approach is that the man can decide if he is open and able to give his partner what she needs. If he is not, he can tell her how he feels and they can talk at a later time. In this example, both people have successfully communicated what they need, and they can decide what to do from an honest and loving place. Remember, it takes an entire lifetime to become the way we are and to form our habits. A gentle reminder is necessary when helping somebody learn new skills to improve their relationship.